I can’t let go.
I can’t let go
because I am afraid.
I am afraid
because I can’t forgive myself.
I forgave you the moment it happened.
As soon as you spoke,
As soon as I saw you again.
But I have to live with myself.
And I haven’t figured out how to do that again.
I don’t know how to forgive myself
For something that tore me apart
Because of what you never meant to do
But it’s not you I blame,
For putting myself in that situation
To allow you to do that to me.
And to never see it coming
Until you blindside punched me
Between my ribs
Robbing my breath
Just missing my beating heart, resiliently, or so I thought,
With weighted gloves
Filled with unintentions
All of which I turned into
Your unconditioned love for me.
So I can’t forgive myself
Because every time I hurt,
I feel like I hurt you more.
Every time I miss a moment,
I feel like I’ve been left in the dark.
Every time I am denied,
I still beg for more.
And I feel like I can do no right
as much as I want to for you.
I can fix this.
But I am in pain
Because of the hurt I put on myself
To protect you and who you are in my life.
I love you.
I love you still more.
So I’ll lay the hurt on me