All I wanted to know is if you were there
So I knocked
And my heart pounded
As you made me wait
Heavier, echoing infinitely louder
Than the feeble thuds of my pained finger joints
And so I waited
Hoping my heart doesn’t give out
Before you come to answer
Training it with each breath
To prepare for each additional second
Nothing like days spent on LA beaches. Missing it already.
About two weeks ago, I stumbled across an old stockpile of CDs and DVDs where I had backed up my photos from years and years ago. (Oh the days before external hard drives existed and could hold more than just a couple thousand photos.) Actually, they were all sitting on my desk in a neat pile, waiting for me to re-notice them one day. They’ve been there for years. I’ve even moved them from one corner to another side of my desk in an effort to find other things or reorganize.
Yet it never occurred to me until just a few weeks ago that “Hey, I can transfer those to media I actually use in the modern age (i.e. 5-8 years later) and make them much easier to know what’s inside in the future. Oh technology.
And in so doing, I have stumbled across little treasures of my past. One of them being this wonderful list of English songs that my mentor in Beijing saved to a DVD and gave to me. This is a partial list of the English songs she included. There were also Chinese, French, and instrumental only songs, but they’re not as fun (nor easy for all of us to understand). Anyways, I fully appreciate the eclectic-ness of this list. Apparently, these are the songs that she thinks young American students listen to most, and I might like to have.
Wishing you a Merry Monday night,
Your Light, My Darkness
Bees are fuzzy
I can’t let go.
I can’t let go
because I am afraid.
I am afraid
because I can’t forgive myself.
I forgave you the moment it happened.
As soon as you spoke,
As soon as I saw you again.
But I have to live with myself.
And I haven’t figured out how to do that again.
I don’t know how to forgive myself
For something that tore me apart
Because of what you never meant to do
But it’s not you I blame,
For putting myself in that situation
To allow you to do that to me.
And to never see it coming
Until you blindside punched me
Between my ribs
Robbing my breath
Just missing my beating heart, resiliently, or so I thought,
With weighted gloves
Filled with unintentions
All of which I turned into
Your unconditioned love for me.
So I can’t forgive myself
Because every time I hurt,
I feel like I hurt you more.
Every time I miss a moment,
I feel like I’ve been left in the dark.
Every time I am denied,
I still beg for more.
And I feel like I can do no right
as much as I want to for you.
I can fix this.
But I am in pain
Because of the hurt I put on myself
To protect you and who you are in my life.
I love you.
I love you still more.
So I’ll lay the hurt on me
Finishing up our chalk masterpiece in a local art exhibition with a free draw space blackboard, with help from some previous little artists. It’s been too long since we’ve done chalk art.
Excellent way to finish off an afternoon of delicious food and la reunion (and traffic) with my bestie ever.
~Sam Go and Sithara Reddy~
Is it ok that I just want to take you for granted? Is it ever ok to take someone for granted?
Not all the time. For God sakes, no. Not even for the majority of my time. You’re too important for that. But I trust and respect you. Trust and cherish always the special place you have in my life. I think of you as a staple in my life, and sometimes I temporarily forget how good plain rice can be and how much better it makes the rest of the flavors of my world taste.
Sometimes I may even go meals or entire days skipping rice. Just for a little change of pace. But too long away from it, and my whole body just doesn’t function the same. It doesn’t have the same energy and pep. A little variety to remind me how much of a necessary comfort rice is.
So I’m sorry if I can’t always make your rice the centerpiece of my daily meals, but you should know that nothing replaces rice. It’s too fundamental to be replaced. And that is you.
I would rather throw myself into a boxing ring
with a heavyweight version of myself
Leaving rakes across my forearms and thighs
Bruises on my shoulders and knees
than make you have to choose
between him and me
than to hear you tell me point blank
that you would rather spend your rare moments here with someone else.
I would rather come out cracked and broken
but still with some semblance of me
that you would recognize and want to be with
convincing myself that I’m happy enough the way we are
than have you break in two
because of something I may have done to make you regret your choices
than leave you hurting anywhere
because of anything I may have caused you to do, think, or feel wrongly.
I would rather keep this smile on my face
so you don’t know I’m hurting
Now that I feel you spending this time away from me
So you can enjoy your life with none of my pressure
Whether you perceive it all or not,
I want to be your angel
but float my halo above your head always
make sure you’re better than fine and ok
because that makes me better than fine and ok,
even if I have to bear these cracks, scars, and bruises
that break open and fester anew
when I see you
but can no longer touch you
the way I used to
the way I want to
the way that one day I hope you’ll realize I can
but only if you let me