Reddy-Go Shoot

I see you

Thu, 23 May 2013 23:19:54 -0700

I see you

All of you

All of who you are
and the imperfections
you try to hide
and mask
behind
who you want
and would rather become.

But I see you

All of you
and I love all of you
untimidly unabashedly
I will always seek
to help you round those corners
towards the brighter side
where you’ll find yourself

Unafraid to love
and step fully into yourself
untimidly unabashedly
Because I can see
how much more you are capable of
Even if you can’t yet.

That is why I am here.
To see you

As you see me

~Sam Go~

Test the waters of my soul before you dive to your...

Wed, 22 May 2013 10:00:17 -0700

Test the waters of my soul
before you dive to your
death.

~Sithara Reddy~

Heart Knocking

Tue, 21 May 2013 22:20:39 -0700

All I wanted to know is if you were there
So I knocked

And my heart pounded
As you made me wait
Heavier, echoing infinitely louder
Than the feeble thuds of my pained finger joints
Making contact
On your
Door
Separating us

And so I waited
Hoping my heart doesn’t give out
Before you come to answer
Training it with each breath
To prepare for each additional second
Longer

knock-knock

thud-thud

~Sam Go~

Nothing like days spent on LA beaches. Missing it...

Tue, 21 May 2013 10:55:58 -0700

Nothing like days spent on LA beaches. Missing it already.

~Sith~

Transfer from CDs to External Hard Drives

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:46:07 -0700

About two weeks ago, I stumbled across an old stockpile of CDs and DVDs where I had backed up my photos from years and years ago. (Oh the days before external hard drives existed and could hold more than just a couple thousand photos.) Actually, they were all sitting on my desk in a neat pile, waiting for me to re-notice them one day. They’ve been there for years. I’ve even moved them from one corner to another side of my desk in an effort to find other things or reorganize.

Yet it never occurred to me until just a few weeks ago that “Hey, I can transfer those to media I actually use in the modern age (i.e. 5-8 years later) and make them much easier to know what’s inside in the future. Oh technology.

And in so doing, I have stumbled across little treasures of my past. One of them being this wonderful list of English songs that my mentor in Beijing saved to a DVD and gave to me. This is a partial list of the English songs she included. There were also Chinese, French, and instrumental only songs, but they’re not as fun (nor easy for all of us to understand). Anyways, I fully appreciate the eclectic-ness of this list. Apparently, these are the songs that she thinks young American students listen to most, and I might like to have.

Wishing you a Merry Monday night,

Sam Go

Your Light, My Darkness ~Sam Go~

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:55:30 -0700

Your Light, My Darkness

~Sam Go~

Bees are fuzzy ~Sam Go~

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:55:31 -0700

Bees are fuzzy

~Sam Go~

Forgive my pain

Fri, 17 May 2013 20:06:00 -0700

I can’t let go.

I can’t let go
because I am afraid.

I am afraid
because I can’t forgive myself.

I forgave you the moment it happened.
As soon as you spoke,
As soon as I saw you again.

But I have to live with myself.
And I haven’t figured out how to do that again.

I don’t know how to forgive myself
For something that tore me apart
Because of what you never meant to do
But it’s not you I blame,

It’s me.

For putting myself in that situation
To allow you to do that to me.

And to never see it coming
Until you blindside punched me
Between my ribs
Robbing my breath
Just missing my beating heart, resiliently, or so I thought,
With weighted gloves
Filled with unintentions
Ignorance
Forgetfulness
Preoccupation
Excuses

All of which I turned into
Rationalizations
Reasons
Proofs
And worse,
Your unconditioned love for me.

So I can’t forgive myself
Because every time I hurt,
I feel like I hurt you more.
Every time I miss a moment,
I feel like I’ve been left in the dark.
Every time I am denied,
I still beg for more.
And I feel like I can do no right
as much as I want to for you.

I can fix this.
But I am in pain

I’m ok.
Because of the hurt I put on myself

I’m fine.
To protect you and who you are in my life.

I love you.
I love you still more.

So I’ll lay the hurt on me
I’m sorry.

~Sam Go~

Finishing up our chalk masterpiece in a local art exhibition...

Thu, 16 May 2013 19:25:19 -0700

Finishing up our chalk masterpiece in a local art exhibition with a free draw space blackboard, with help from some previous little artists. It’s been too long since we’ve done chalk art.

Excellent way to finish off an afternoon of delicious food and la reunion (and traffic) with my bestie ever.

~Sam Go and Sithara Reddy~

Plain Rice, Granted, You

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:15:19 -0700

Is it ok that I just want to take you for granted? Is it ever ok to take someone for granted?

Not all the time. For God sakes, no. Not even for the majority of my time. You’re too important for that. But I trust and respect you. Trust and cherish always the special place you have in my life. I think of you as a staple in my life, and sometimes I temporarily forget how good plain rice can be and how much better it makes the rest of the flavors of my world taste.

Sometimes I may even go meals or entire days skipping rice. Just for a little change of pace. But too long away from it, and my whole body just doesn’t function the same. It doesn’t have the same energy and pep. A little variety to remind me how much of a necessary comfort rice is.

So I’m sorry if I can’t always make your rice the centerpiece of my daily meals, but you should know that nothing replaces rice. It’s too fundamental to be replaced. And that is you.

~Sam Go~

I wanna see you be brave …. ~Sithara~

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:09:09 -0700

I wanna see you be brave ….

~Sithara~

I would rather

Mon, 13 May 2013 23:15:00 -0700

I would rather throw myself into a boxing ring
with a heavyweight version of myself
Leaving rakes across my forearms and thighs
Bruises on my shoulders and knees

than make you have to choose
between him and me

than to hear you tell me point blank
that you would rather spend your rare moments here with someone else.

I would rather come out cracked and broken
but still with some semblance of me
that you would recognize and want to be with
convincing myself that I’m happy enough the way we are

than have you break in two
because of something I may have done to make you regret your choices

than leave you hurting anywhere
because of anything I may have caused you to do, think, or feel wrongly.

I would rather keep this smile on my face
so you don’t know I’m hurting
Now that I feel you spending this time away from me
So you can enjoy your life with none of my pressure

Whether you perceive it all or not,
I want to be your angel
but float my halo above your head always
make sure you’re better than fine and ok
because that makes me better than fine and ok,
even if I have to bear these cracks, scars, and bruises
that break open and fester anew
when I see you
but can no longer touch you
the way I used to
the way I want to
the way that one day I hope you’ll realize I can

but only if you let me

~Sam Go~

Top 3 Things My Mother Gave Me

Sun, 12 May 2013 11:00:32 -0700

3. Strength: When I was young, I didn’t fully understand, but I still knew my mom was amazing. She could move the washing machine on her own, she could hoist around pots and pans in the kitchen like no other. As I’ve grown up, I realized that she had much more than just physical strength. When she was the age I am now, she already had given birth to me and had her second child on the way. She more than managed to keep me out of trouble (mostly), work a full-time job starting a new company, cook and clean to keep the house together, every day for at least two straight years of her life. She had and still has an engine that only has one gear: INTENSE. That is a strength I know I have in me as well, passed on simply by watching her day in and day out. Rarely complaining, she was and is the essence of a strong, independent woman as I think of it.

2. Respect: Perhaps my mom hasn’t fully given me her respect since I am still her baby girl. But what I mean is that she has taught me the value of respect in my life. Who deserves your respect and how to earn the respect of others. When to respect others’ space and needs, and how that respect bridges into a long-lasting, unbreakable connection. A respect that is earned in the right way. Not through intimidation. Not through trickery. And not by stepping on others along the way to your own success. But through actions guided by your principles. In a nutshell: As long as your principles are good and pure, you have a strong heart and will, and you follow through on your actions with them guiding you, you can earn people’s trust and respect. There are many other complexities that factor into respect, but maybe for another post.

1. Love: I think you all knew this one was coming. It is Mother’s Day after all, and while we should all appreciate our mothers (and fathers) every day, it is hard to reflect on these things constantly and still have them carry the same weight every time. So we take these somewhat arbitrarily made-up holidays to take that moment and reflect. But yes, back to love. It’s of course an unconditional love that mothers give to their children. That, I am blessed enough to say, my mother has given me in spades. But she has also given me tough love, pushing me to constantly be better, to never be complacent, to believe I can do and be better than I am. She loves who I am today, and she will love who I become 1, 2…5…years from now. She has the confidence that I have the strength to take her scoldings and criticisms, yet she respects that I must find my own way as well and become the person I was meant to be. Whoever that turns out to be, with and without her direct influence at certain points, she will always love me. And I will always love her.

~Sammy~

For you Mommy. Love you

a conversation

Sun, 12 May 2013 09:26:34 -0700

“When I die,” he told me,
“I want to donate my body to science. I want my brain to fuel future research, I want my eyes to go to someone who deserves to see …” he took a breath.

“When I die, I want you to donate all my body to research. Everything. All the odds and ends I’d never figured out how to use. All the pieces I’m still struggling to fit together.” (a choked gasp)

“When I die, I want you to donate my body to research. I want you to donate everything,” he paused.

“Everything except my heart.”

“When I die, I want you to take my heart and burn it. Set it aflame. Release me from my concrete confines.”

“When I die, I want you to take my heart and burn it to ashes.” A beat…

“And later. Much later, I want you to take those ashes with you. Take those ashes with you and scatter them in the breeze of all the places we’ve ever been. All the places we’ve ever wanted to go.” (exhale)

“When I die, I want you to donate my body, burn my heart, scatter my ashes, but never move on,” he watched me.

“I want you to keep living. Keep living, because, remember, my heart is always floating with you on the breath of the wind.”(he sleeps)

~Sithara Reddy~

Dialogue to happiness

Sat, 11 May 2013 22:52:41 -0700

Hi Happiness.

Why are you hiding back there? There’s no need to be shy. I promise, no one will hurt you out here. Everyone’s waiting to see you and say hi.

Come on, just give us a little peek. How about just a foot, a toe for now?

There you go. There’s that shining face we all know and love. Look at that smile. Oh, don’t turn away. See what you do to everyone in the room? They’re all so relieved you came out from your hiding place to share yourself. They all just want to be your friend.

Why don’t you just stay a little longer? You’ll get more comfortable with this big crowd with more time and practice. I promise. We can hold hands too if that makes you feel better.

It certainly makes me feel better.

~Sam Go~

You know it was a special day when your father, who normally...

Fri, 10 May 2013 16:30:18 -0700

You know it was a special day when your father, who normally mocks you for taking so many pictures of “the same sunset” day after day, asks you “did you take a picture of the sunset today?”

Thanks Dad!

~Sam Go~

p.s. Friendly reminder: Sunday is Mother’s Day. Don’t forget.

Boxing at the Dark

Thu, 09 May 2013 18:00:14 -0700

Spotlight shining from above
Straight down my spine
Casting shadows from my eyelashes
Raking across my fear-stained cheeks

Ground lights surrounding me
Blinding me 360
Every direction I turn

I look out
All I see is darkness
Fists at the ready
Attempting to protect myself
From unseen assailants

Uppercut under the ribs
Someone steals the air from my longs
Sweep kick to the knees
I buckle and realize my chin is on the floor
Leather glove hands yank me from my shoulder
To stand up again in this white column of torture.

There is no escape
Alone in this battle
There is no giving up
Until unconsciousness
or better yet death comes

“Can’t stand? Kneel
Can’t kneel? Lie there
Until we tell you you’ve had enough rest
Then standup again
Take our punches
Attacks from all sides

It’s time to toughen up
Face the facts
Your stubbornness will not win”

All I can do is box at the darkness
Fight

I can’t
Fight

This is not a test. This is life
Fight

~Sam Go~

I think Boston’s attempting to pull me away from finals...

Thu, 09 May 2013 07:14:08 -0700

I think Boston’s attempting to pull me away from finals studying…

~Sith~

I know I can take it

Wed, 08 May 2013 16:00:33 -0700

Just because I know I can take it

We suddenly separate
Unspoken emotions
Unknown reunion
Three hours of fly running already

I try to allow sleep to take me away
To mask and blot out
All that I wish my heart didn’t hold
To steel it from thoughts, memories, voices

Just because I know I can take it
I allow the tears to come
Silently
streaming
Next to ignorant strangers.

Realizing rather
That it’s all that I wish my heart were allowed to hold

Without fear
Without remorse
Without guilt
Without doubts
Without weight

To return
My heart
To what
My spirit
Holds true
For myself

To know that my life
Is not simply a series of justifications
To do the irrational on occasion
While knowing that everyone always expects the rational from me
To feel that I live
For what makes me happy in relation to other people
To be strong
Without always sacrificing my spirit

Just because I know I can take it

~Sam Go~

What about distance? Maybe that will help ease the pain.

Wed, 08 May 2013 08:12:00 -0700

Your hands that drive the screams from my lungs
dig deep
into the flesh of my soul,
clawing,
tearing through arteries and veins.

Crimson oxygen
spewing into the air,
my breath drenched in a dense fog
that shrouds your being.

A cloak you carry
as you fade into the mist
of what’s to come.

~Sithara Reddy~